Thoughts Running Through My Head

Hmmm not really sure what I want to write about today, so I think this post is just going to be thoughts running through my head.

I went and saw my therapist on Monday, as I do every other week, and I was doing fine when I went in. I was happy, or so I thought. Was just telling him about the things that have happened over the last 2 weeks and suddenly, I think of my exes cat Nixon. I realized that I truly missed him. I miss him in the morning laying right next to my legs. I miss when I would come home and sit down and he would jump up on the couch by me just to tell me hi. Then I realized that my cat, Avalon, missed him as well. She has been searching the house and throwing a fit since my ex left. And the more I think of these things, the more upset I become, next thing I know, I am balling my eyes out in front of my therapist. I hadn't realized how much I missed him. It just makes it worse that I know that Avalon misses him. The train of thought basically goes like this, Avalon misses him, it makes me sad, that makes me think of how much I miss Nixon, which makes me think of how much Nixon must miss Avalon, which in turn makes me think about how Nixon is handling that, which goes into oh Gods I hope nothing happens to him because if it does my ex would be crushed.  And that string of thoughts just keeps running through my head making me bawl.

The same day I go home after my session and I realize how empty and quiet the house is. Then I realize that I really need to get a roommate and fast because I can't afford the rent and everything by myself. Then I see everything that needs to be done in order to fix it up to the point that someone would be willing to move in. Then I realize that the only thing I can really do to fix up the place is paint and the landlord will have to fix everything else. So I get a hold of the landlord only to discover that my ex and I still owe him back rent, and the back rent is over $4000. I start to freak cause I have no idea how in the hell that is going to get paid, and if I can't get that paid then the landlord can't fix the things that need fixing. So I am in a catch 22, basically I am screwed.

I am trying so hard to be positive right now, and I am doing it, but it is a struggle and it is exhausting because I constantly have to fight off the negative emotions and thoughts that perpetually try to invade my thoughts.

This has been episode 1 of Thoughts Running Through My Head. Tune in again for another episode sometime.