In the Aftermath

Well, Scott the rest of his stuff out yesterday. The house feels empty. I think Avalon may be having a nervous break down because she can't find Nixon. Myself, well again the house feels very empty and I am feeling a little lonely right now. Doing my best to see the positive side of things. I know I will need some time to heal, even though it was my decision, and some time to really start on the new me. It still hurts and makes me sad. Nine years we were together. That is a very long time to be with the same person and then not have them there anymore.

I saw him packing up his things for over a week, and every time I saw it, I would get sick to my stomach. Knowing that he was angry and upset and trying not to show it, I did my best to not show how I was feeling as well. I am still feeling it right now. I am terrified beyond measure, excited beyond belief, more sad than I have ever been, yet the happiest I have been in a very long time. So many opposing emotions, I don't know if I should cry, jump for joy, curl into a ball and fight the change, or just accept it for what it is.

In the aftermath of all of this, where am I? The honest answer, I don't know. Somewhere in between limbo and outer space. Lost on my new path, but I know where I am. Is this confusing you, because it is confusing the hell out of me. I've met some great new people on the path to this new me. And I don't think I could continue on this path without them and the great friends I do have.

I have yet to cry over the loss of this relationship and I am not sure if I ever will. People tell me that I really should cry and that I need to cry, but why. I had a long time to make my choice and I made it, I think I said goodbye to that relationship many months ago. I am a highly emotional person who makes all decisions based on emotion. I am trying to not be so emotional and depend a little more on logic and letting it rule my emotions not the other way around. I am not letting myself cry to be honest, I am afraid that if I start crying I may not stop. I am afraid that if I start crying I may spiral down into depression even with the help of my medications. I have to show myself that I a strong person, that I can make it on my own. That I am a strong person, that I do have a value all my own. I just need to show myself that I can do what I set my mind to.