Ok so first off I just want to say that I am not sure if this is coming from the fact that I have been drinking tonight or if my medication isn't working well or any other thing but this is currently how I feel.
Tonight I feel so confused, I am dating a great guy and I really do like him, not sure yet if I love him or not as it hasn't been long enough to tell, but tonight I was out with some friends and then went back to another friends house for a birthday party and I was reminded of how much I like this other guy as well. He is sweet and funny and younger than I am, not sure if he is even into me at all, the attraction is not just physical but mental as well and I don't even know if he would even go for me. Thus the confusion I am in tonight, but again i am not sure if it is because of the alcohol, meds not working correctly or something else entirely, but only me and the Gods know how confused I feel right now.
I don't know what to do. There are so many thoughts and emotions running through my head and my heart right now that I can't tell what is real and what is just wishful thinking. I know and the great guy I am dating knows that I am not built for monogamy, but is it really possible to feel love for two people, feel it the exact same way, well maybe not love but at least attraction. I know there are several people who will read this and know the two people I am talking about, and honestly I am not sure of their reactions to this.
I really want the person that I am dating right now to understand some of the things I am feeling, although I am not sure if he will. I want him to know that I really do care for him very much, but I cannot say that I love him as of yet. And I really want all of my friends to understand and hope that they will not judge me as most of them will know the two people I am talking about. I am attracted to both of these men for the same reasons, I find them both to be very good looking, intelligent, wonderful men, and I believe that both of them could handle me and my moods and my sarcasm and sense of humor.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Do you Care how people see you?
Ok, so here is a rather difficult question I think. Do you care what people think about you? Does it matter if you know the person or not? Does it matter if they are family or not?
If a person walks up to you and calls you an asshole, bitch, cunt, slut, trash, faggot, anything like that, does it really matter to you? If it does matter to you, Why?
Well, my answer to this is that if I do not know you then what you think about me doesn't matter, but if you are a friend or family member then yes it does affect me, in either a positive or negative way.
Now lets change it a little, does it matter if they are a potential employer, a judge, a cop, or a doctor. Do you care then?
For me the answer is yes to all of them except the doctor, I hate doctors LOL.
I really want you to think about this question. I mean REALLY think about it.
Your reputation precedes you in many ways. For instance, in college, do you want your professor to automatically think of you as the slacker that only shows up every 3rd class and only does the minimum requirements? Or would you rather have them think of you as the professional student, the one who is always in class, the one who tries so very hard to do everything you are supposed to? Do you think that your reputation has an affect on your grades, or how that professor reacts to you?
What do you really think? I want to know.
If a person walks up to you and calls you an asshole, bitch, cunt, slut, trash, faggot, anything like that, does it really matter to you? If it does matter to you, Why?
Well, my answer to this is that if I do not know you then what you think about me doesn't matter, but if you are a friend or family member then yes it does affect me, in either a positive or negative way.
Now lets change it a little, does it matter if they are a potential employer, a judge, a cop, or a doctor. Do you care then?
For me the answer is yes to all of them except the doctor, I hate doctors LOL.
I really want you to think about this question. I mean REALLY think about it.
Your reputation precedes you in many ways. For instance, in college, do you want your professor to automatically think of you as the slacker that only shows up every 3rd class and only does the minimum requirements? Or would you rather have them think of you as the professional student, the one who is always in class, the one who tries so very hard to do everything you are supposed to? Do you think that your reputation has an affect on your grades, or how that professor reacts to you?
What do you really think? I want to know.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Great Reads
So I have finished the Hunger Games trilogy, and oh my Gods it was amazing. The first book Hunger Games pulls you in really quickly and it keeps you wanting to read more and more. The second book, Catching Fire is a little bit of a slow starter but once it starts you can't put it down. By the third book, Mockingjay, you are so involved with the characters and the story that you just won't want to put it down.
The characters are absolutely real and amazing. The author paints a very real and graphic picture of the world and characters. You see their flaws and their strengths, you feel everything they feel. By the end of the series there are certain characters that you just hate and ones that you love and at times they may switch.
I would suggest these books to anyone who likes a great story and a realistic world and characters. I must say thank you to Will and Julia Prater for turning me onto these books.
The characters are absolutely real and amazing. The author paints a very real and graphic picture of the world and characters. You see their flaws and their strengths, you feel everything they feel. By the end of the series there are certain characters that you just hate and ones that you love and at times they may switch.
I would suggest these books to anyone who likes a great story and a realistic world and characters. I must say thank you to Will and Julia Prater for turning me onto these books.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Thoughts Running Through My Head: Episode 2
Just really one thought running through my head today as I sit at McDonalds eating. As I was getting ready to order my food, 2 Air force officers walk in behind me. They are talking and laughing a little bit. I suddenly have the urge to turn around and thank them for their service to this wonderful country. Now this isn't the first time this has happened, in fact it has happened on many occasions. Now I am not for the war that is going on right now, in fact I am totally against it, but how can we as a country not support those that are over there risking their lives. How can we not thank them for what it is that they do.
My younger brother Josh, is currently over in Afghanistan right now in the Army training to be a medic. Now it not just because of this that I have found this respect for the armed services. I have always had respect for them as my Grandpa on my dad's side was in WWII and Vietnam I believe, and my mothers Step-dad was also in the armed forces. I have just gained a greater respect for them because of my brother. He chose to go over there to defend his family and his friends and the country.
How can anyone bitch about that, or show any disrespect to anyone who chose, they were not forced to join, they chose to join the armed forces. That would be like someone bitching about, or showing disrespect to anyone that chose to become a police officer. It is not any different, police officers protect their city, county or state; while the armed forces protect their country. How is that any different.
I guess what I am saying here is that just because you may disagree with the war, please do not disrespect those people that have died fighting and are still fighting to keep this country safe. They have nothing but love for you, their families and this country. Those are traits that should be respected and admired.
My younger brother Josh, is currently over in Afghanistan right now in the Army training to be a medic. Now it not just because of this that I have found this respect for the armed services. I have always had respect for them as my Grandpa on my dad's side was in WWII and Vietnam I believe, and my mothers Step-dad was also in the armed forces. I have just gained a greater respect for them because of my brother. He chose to go over there to defend his family and his friends and the country.
How can anyone bitch about that, or show any disrespect to anyone who chose, they were not forced to join, they chose to join the armed forces. That would be like someone bitching about, or showing disrespect to anyone that chose to become a police officer. It is not any different, police officers protect their city, county or state; while the armed forces protect their country. How is that any different.
I guess what I am saying here is that just because you may disagree with the war, please do not disrespect those people that have died fighting and are still fighting to keep this country safe. They have nothing but love for you, their families and this country. Those are traits that should be respected and admired.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Family, Those who you can always count on
So todays blog is obviously all about family. Family for me are the people that I am related to by blood but also those that I choose to call family. Now here is the kicker, not all of those I am related to do I consider family, nor are all of my friends considered as such. For me, family consists of those that are either blood related or I choose to call family, that I know no matter what are going to be there for me and always have been.
For instance, I am currently having some financial issues that I need some help with. I talked to my brother this morning and asked him if he could lend me some money. He was the only one I asked and the only one I would ask for a couple of reasons. First, I know that he would give me the shirt off his back if I didn't have one, and second I know that he is the only one who has the ability right now to lend me money. I'm not saying that there aren't others out there who would help me, but there are usually stipulations and judgement involved. With my brother there isn't any of that. That is true family.
Another example of family is those really close friends that you can always call on when you need some advice or just a shoulder to cry on and they don't judge you for it, they sometimes give you advice but also know when the time is right to do so. They understand that sometimes you don't want or need advice at the time you just need someone to listen and give you a shoulder to cry on.
Family also knows that sometimes things slip your mind and instead of getting mad at you for not calling and keeping in touch, they instead call you and see how you are doing. Or just call you to say hi and hear your voice. They are the ones that no matter how much you smile and fake happy, no matter how good you are at it, always knows when something is wrong and won't give up until you tell them. They always seem to just know, no matter how quiet you have been about things going on in your life, they just know. Family also has no problem telling you when you are being an ass, or overreacting, or just fucking up and they have no qualms about telling you, no matter how angry or pissed off you may get because they know that you will realize what they are saying is true and you will apologize for treating them badly when they were trying to help you.
So you see, family doesn't have to be only blood related, family is and always should be the combination of those in your life that you can trust and go to for support when you need it and advice, or just a shoulder to cry on. That is what true family is.
So in closing I just want to say thank you to all of you that are my family, you know who are. And if you have to think about whether or not I consider you family, then more than likely I don't. The Gods bring many people into your life and they always bring the good with the bad, but remember they always bring family into your life to help you combat the bad.
Love and Light
Brightest Blessings to all of you
For instance, I am currently having some financial issues that I need some help with. I talked to my brother this morning and asked him if he could lend me some money. He was the only one I asked and the only one I would ask for a couple of reasons. First, I know that he would give me the shirt off his back if I didn't have one, and second I know that he is the only one who has the ability right now to lend me money. I'm not saying that there aren't others out there who would help me, but there are usually stipulations and judgement involved. With my brother there isn't any of that. That is true family.
Another example of family is those really close friends that you can always call on when you need some advice or just a shoulder to cry on and they don't judge you for it, they sometimes give you advice but also know when the time is right to do so. They understand that sometimes you don't want or need advice at the time you just need someone to listen and give you a shoulder to cry on.
Family also knows that sometimes things slip your mind and instead of getting mad at you for not calling and keeping in touch, they instead call you and see how you are doing. Or just call you to say hi and hear your voice. They are the ones that no matter how much you smile and fake happy, no matter how good you are at it, always knows when something is wrong and won't give up until you tell them. They always seem to just know, no matter how quiet you have been about things going on in your life, they just know. Family also has no problem telling you when you are being an ass, or overreacting, or just fucking up and they have no qualms about telling you, no matter how angry or pissed off you may get because they know that you will realize what they are saying is true and you will apologize for treating them badly when they were trying to help you.
So you see, family doesn't have to be only blood related, family is and always should be the combination of those in your life that you can trust and go to for support when you need it and advice, or just a shoulder to cry on. That is what true family is.
So in closing I just want to say thank you to all of you that are my family, you know who are. And if you have to think about whether or not I consider you family, then more than likely I don't. The Gods bring many people into your life and they always bring the good with the bad, but remember they always bring family into your life to help you combat the bad.
Love and Light
Brightest Blessings to all of you
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Thoughts Running Through My Head
Hmmm not really sure what I want to write about today, so I think this post is just going to be thoughts running through my head.
I went and saw my therapist on Monday, as I do every other week, and I was doing fine when I went in. I was happy, or so I thought. Was just telling him about the things that have happened over the last 2 weeks and suddenly, I think of my exes cat Nixon. I realized that I truly missed him. I miss him in the morning laying right next to my legs. I miss when I would come home and sit down and he would jump up on the couch by me just to tell me hi. Then I realized that my cat, Avalon, missed him as well. She has been searching the house and throwing a fit since my ex left. And the more I think of these things, the more upset I become, next thing I know, I am balling my eyes out in front of my therapist. I hadn't realized how much I missed him. It just makes it worse that I know that Avalon misses him. The train of thought basically goes like this, Avalon misses him, it makes me sad, that makes me think of how much I miss Nixon, which makes me think of how much Nixon must miss Avalon, which in turn makes me think about how Nixon is handling that, which goes into oh Gods I hope nothing happens to him because if it does my ex would be crushed. And that string of thoughts just keeps running through my head making me bawl.
The same day I go home after my session and I realize how empty and quiet the house is. Then I realize that I really need to get a roommate and fast because I can't afford the rent and everything by myself. Then I see everything that needs to be done in order to fix it up to the point that someone would be willing to move in. Then I realize that the only thing I can really do to fix up the place is paint and the landlord will have to fix everything else. So I get a hold of the landlord only to discover that my ex and I still owe him back rent, and the back rent is over $4000. I start to freak cause I have no idea how in the hell that is going to get paid, and if I can't get that paid then the landlord can't fix the things that need fixing. So I am in a catch 22, basically I am screwed.
I am trying so hard to be positive right now, and I am doing it, but it is a struggle and it is exhausting because I constantly have to fight off the negative emotions and thoughts that perpetually try to invade my thoughts.
This has been episode 1 of Thoughts Running Through My Head. Tune in again for another episode sometime.
I went and saw my therapist on Monday, as I do every other week, and I was doing fine when I went in. I was happy, or so I thought. Was just telling him about the things that have happened over the last 2 weeks and suddenly, I think of my exes cat Nixon. I realized that I truly missed him. I miss him in the morning laying right next to my legs. I miss when I would come home and sit down and he would jump up on the couch by me just to tell me hi. Then I realized that my cat, Avalon, missed him as well. She has been searching the house and throwing a fit since my ex left. And the more I think of these things, the more upset I become, next thing I know, I am balling my eyes out in front of my therapist. I hadn't realized how much I missed him. It just makes it worse that I know that Avalon misses him. The train of thought basically goes like this, Avalon misses him, it makes me sad, that makes me think of how much I miss Nixon, which makes me think of how much Nixon must miss Avalon, which in turn makes me think about how Nixon is handling that, which goes into oh Gods I hope nothing happens to him because if it does my ex would be crushed. And that string of thoughts just keeps running through my head making me bawl.
The same day I go home after my session and I realize how empty and quiet the house is. Then I realize that I really need to get a roommate and fast because I can't afford the rent and everything by myself. Then I see everything that needs to be done in order to fix it up to the point that someone would be willing to move in. Then I realize that the only thing I can really do to fix up the place is paint and the landlord will have to fix everything else. So I get a hold of the landlord only to discover that my ex and I still owe him back rent, and the back rent is over $4000. I start to freak cause I have no idea how in the hell that is going to get paid, and if I can't get that paid then the landlord can't fix the things that need fixing. So I am in a catch 22, basically I am screwed.
I am trying so hard to be positive right now, and I am doing it, but it is a struggle and it is exhausting because I constantly have to fight off the negative emotions and thoughts that perpetually try to invade my thoughts.
This has been episode 1 of Thoughts Running Through My Head. Tune in again for another episode sometime.
Friday, March 2, 2012
In the Aftermath
Well, Scott the rest of his stuff out yesterday. The house feels empty. I think Avalon may be having a nervous break down because she can't find Nixon. Myself, well again the house feels very empty and I am feeling a little lonely right now. Doing my best to see the positive side of things. I know I will need some time to heal, even though it was my decision, and some time to really start on the new me. It still hurts and makes me sad. Nine years we were together. That is a very long time to be with the same person and then not have them there anymore.
I saw him packing up his things for over a week, and every time I saw it, I would get sick to my stomach. Knowing that he was angry and upset and trying not to show it, I did my best to not show how I was feeling as well. I am still feeling it right now. I am terrified beyond measure, excited beyond belief, more sad than I have ever been, yet the happiest I have been in a very long time. So many opposing emotions, I don't know if I should cry, jump for joy, curl into a ball and fight the change, or just accept it for what it is.
In the aftermath of all of this, where am I? The honest answer, I don't know. Somewhere in between limbo and outer space. Lost on my new path, but I know where I am. Is this confusing you, because it is confusing the hell out of me. I've met some great new people on the path to this new me. And I don't think I could continue on this path without them and the great friends I do have.
I have yet to cry over the loss of this relationship and I am not sure if I ever will. People tell me that I really should cry and that I need to cry, but why. I had a long time to make my choice and I made it, I think I said goodbye to that relationship many months ago. I am a highly emotional person who makes all decisions based on emotion. I am trying to not be so emotional and depend a little more on logic and letting it rule my emotions not the other way around. I am not letting myself cry to be honest, I am afraid that if I start crying I may not stop. I am afraid that if I start crying I may spiral down into depression even with the help of my medications. I have to show myself that I a strong person, that I can make it on my own. That I am a strong person, that I do have a value all my own. I just need to show myself that I can do what I set my mind to.
I saw him packing up his things for over a week, and every time I saw it, I would get sick to my stomach. Knowing that he was angry and upset and trying not to show it, I did my best to not show how I was feeling as well. I am still feeling it right now. I am terrified beyond measure, excited beyond belief, more sad than I have ever been, yet the happiest I have been in a very long time. So many opposing emotions, I don't know if I should cry, jump for joy, curl into a ball and fight the change, or just accept it for what it is.
In the aftermath of all of this, where am I? The honest answer, I don't know. Somewhere in between limbo and outer space. Lost on my new path, but I know where I am. Is this confusing you, because it is confusing the hell out of me. I've met some great new people on the path to this new me. And I don't think I could continue on this path without them and the great friends I do have.
I have yet to cry over the loss of this relationship and I am not sure if I ever will. People tell me that I really should cry and that I need to cry, but why. I had a long time to make my choice and I made it, I think I said goodbye to that relationship many months ago. I am a highly emotional person who makes all decisions based on emotion. I am trying to not be so emotional and depend a little more on logic and letting it rule my emotions not the other way around. I am not letting myself cry to be honest, I am afraid that if I start crying I may not stop. I am afraid that if I start crying I may spiral down into depression even with the help of my medications. I have to show myself that I a strong person, that I can make it on my own. That I am a strong person, that I do have a value all my own. I just need to show myself that I can do what I set my mind to.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Life lessons
Ok so today is the day that Scott moves out of the house. What will today be like for and him? I have no clue. What are the next several days, weeks, months be like? Again, I have no clue. What I do know is that now is the time for change, reflection and for life to start teaching us those wonderful little lessons it so loves to teach.
Change is not an easy thing to do. Instinctively we want to rebel against it, we don't want things to change. Things must change in order for people and relationships to grow, become stronger or for them to finally just die out. Change is inevitable, it must happen and it will. We can either struggle against it or we can do our best to go with it. More than likely, most of us will fight it, struggle with it until we can no longer do so and still we would not accept it easily.
Why do we struggle against change, why can we not easily and readily accept it? I think it is very simple, change is scary. Change is really the unknown. Most of us know that we need to change, and that change is a good thing, but still, it terrifies us because we do not really know what that change will bring about in our lives. Will it be a good thing or will it be a bad thing? The only answer I can give is that I truly believe that it is a good thing when we do not struggle so much, when we accept that change is coming and we can do nothing to stop it. It is when we struggle and think that we can stop change, that we can force change to come to a halt with our will power that the change becomes bad. Now you must understand that the change I am talking about is not changing your hair color or buying a new car. I am talking about life altering, belief restructuring change. The type of change that makes you view the world in a whole new way.
Don't get me wrong, any change can help us to see things differently, buying a house or car, choice of schools to go to, but those are changes that we decide on, changes that we make come about. I am talking about changes that are not necessarily our choice, but instead are brought about by the choices we have made, the good ones, the bad ones and the ugly ones.
So which type of person are you? Are you the one who struggles again change or are you the one who realizes that change is inevitable and that no matter how much we try to fight it, it will happen?
Change is not an easy thing to do. Instinctively we want to rebel against it, we don't want things to change. Things must change in order for people and relationships to grow, become stronger or for them to finally just die out. Change is inevitable, it must happen and it will. We can either struggle against it or we can do our best to go with it. More than likely, most of us will fight it, struggle with it until we can no longer do so and still we would not accept it easily.
Why do we struggle against change, why can we not easily and readily accept it? I think it is very simple, change is scary. Change is really the unknown. Most of us know that we need to change, and that change is a good thing, but still, it terrifies us because we do not really know what that change will bring about in our lives. Will it be a good thing or will it be a bad thing? The only answer I can give is that I truly believe that it is a good thing when we do not struggle so much, when we accept that change is coming and we can do nothing to stop it. It is when we struggle and think that we can stop change, that we can force change to come to a halt with our will power that the change becomes bad. Now you must understand that the change I am talking about is not changing your hair color or buying a new car. I am talking about life altering, belief restructuring change. The type of change that makes you view the world in a whole new way.
Don't get me wrong, any change can help us to see things differently, buying a house or car, choice of schools to go to, but those are changes that we decide on, changes that we make come about. I am talking about changes that are not necessarily our choice, but instead are brought about by the choices we have made, the good ones, the bad ones and the ugly ones.
So which type of person are you? Are you the one who struggles again change or are you the one who realizes that change is inevitable and that no matter how much we try to fight it, it will happen?
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Is the truth always a good thing?
Most who look at the title of this post would probably answer this question with a resounding yes. And in most cases I would agree. I am sure most of us out there have several exceptions though, I know that I have a few select exceptions. And usually it involves the possibility of someone either getting physically hurt or killed. Here is a scenario to think about though.
Say you worked with a person who at first seemed normal and very nice. Throughout the time you worked together though you noticed some peculiar things about this person. One day you see this person outside of work unexpectedly and they tell you they are looking for another job because the current one isn't paying enough. The next day, when you know this person isn't going to be at work, you tell your boss what was said just to give them a heads up. Shortly there this person is fired from the company for reasons unknown to those besides HR and your boss. Later you find out some of the reasons they were fired. And from what you understand this person is like bat shit crazy.
A while later, you see this person out in public again and they come up to talk. The first thing you think is "oh shit. please don't let them come over here to talk to me cause they are bat shit crazy". They come up to you and talk and ask you what you have heard about why they were fired.
The question here is this. Would you tell the person the truth about what you have been told, or would you lie and tell them that you haven't heard anything? Why would you do one of these? Is one better than the other? Is a lie better than the truth in this situation?
Ask yourselves these questions and post your answer below as I am curious to see what other people would do.
Say you worked with a person who at first seemed normal and very nice. Throughout the time you worked together though you noticed some peculiar things about this person. One day you see this person outside of work unexpectedly and they tell you they are looking for another job because the current one isn't paying enough. The next day, when you know this person isn't going to be at work, you tell your boss what was said just to give them a heads up. Shortly there this person is fired from the company for reasons unknown to those besides HR and your boss. Later you find out some of the reasons they were fired. And from what you understand this person is like bat shit crazy.
A while later, you see this person out in public again and they come up to talk. The first thing you think is "oh shit. please don't let them come over here to talk to me cause they are bat shit crazy". They come up to you and talk and ask you what you have heard about why they were fired.
The question here is this. Would you tell the person the truth about what you have been told, or would you lie and tell them that you haven't heard anything? Why would you do one of these? Is one better than the other? Is a lie better than the truth in this situation?
Ask yourselves these questions and post your answer below as I am curious to see what other people would do.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Life has become complicated
It appears that I have done it again. Completely forgotten about my little blog here.
Life recently has become extremely complicated. Things were going well for awhile, then suddenly I realized I wasn't happy in my relationship. My partner and I had been together for almost 9 years. And basically I was done with the relationship. I felt as if we were moving in completely different directions. The things I had wanted were no longer relevant to me, my wants and needs had changed, seemingly overnight. Of course it wasn't that quick but I am sure you all know what I mean.
Anyways, after many months of beating myself up trying to make a decision, without hurting anyone, never gonna happen I know, I had finally made my decision. Then came the question of how do I tell him the decision I had made? I tried so many times to tell him, but the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth, no matter how hard I tried. Every time I basically made him think that I wanted to work it out, when in fact I did not. That of course made me feel even worse, but what was I supposed to do when the words just would not come out of my mouth. Well the day eventually came when I just really could not do it anymore. So I sat down and wrote him a letter. Put it in an envelope and set it on the coffee table. When he came home the letter was there and so was I. He asked what was wrong and all I said was please read this. I had explained in detail how I felt and what my decision was, hoping to make it easier for him, but there was no way to make it easier for him. Granted he had been suspecting it for a while already, but it still shocked him, and hurt him. That was 3 weeks ago. He has remained in the house we have shared for the last 5 years. He is expecting to be out by this weekend at the latest. He thinks that I don't care, that this isn't hard for me as I am the one who broke up with him. Little does he know how much it actually does, granted I have had many months to basically get over it, because for me the relationship was done a long time ago, it just took me this long to realize it.
In the short amount of time that I have been single, I have been discovering many things about my self. Making some wonderful new friends and even met a man that could be exactly what I need a man to be. I've spent more time with my friends and done things I have been meaning to for a long time now, even done some unexpected things. I am really truly experiencing life for the first time in my almost 31 years of living. At this point I am happier than I have ever been, and I hope that he can turn what has happened into a positive thing for himself as well. I wish him nothing but the best, I wish him happiness and love and that he finds the one person who truly is worthy of someone like him.
For those who actually do read what I have posted please pray for him in this time of hardship. It may not seem like it but I do still care very deeply for him. How could I not? Just keep him in your thoughts and prayers. Do not worry about me as he deserves them more than I.
Go in Love and Light
And may the Divine
Always shine upon you
Life recently has become extremely complicated. Things were going well for awhile, then suddenly I realized I wasn't happy in my relationship. My partner and I had been together for almost 9 years. And basically I was done with the relationship. I felt as if we were moving in completely different directions. The things I had wanted were no longer relevant to me, my wants and needs had changed, seemingly overnight. Of course it wasn't that quick but I am sure you all know what I mean.
Anyways, after many months of beating myself up trying to make a decision, without hurting anyone, never gonna happen I know, I had finally made my decision. Then came the question of how do I tell him the decision I had made? I tried so many times to tell him, but the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth, no matter how hard I tried. Every time I basically made him think that I wanted to work it out, when in fact I did not. That of course made me feel even worse, but what was I supposed to do when the words just would not come out of my mouth. Well the day eventually came when I just really could not do it anymore. So I sat down and wrote him a letter. Put it in an envelope and set it on the coffee table. When he came home the letter was there and so was I. He asked what was wrong and all I said was please read this. I had explained in detail how I felt and what my decision was, hoping to make it easier for him, but there was no way to make it easier for him. Granted he had been suspecting it for a while already, but it still shocked him, and hurt him. That was 3 weeks ago. He has remained in the house we have shared for the last 5 years. He is expecting to be out by this weekend at the latest. He thinks that I don't care, that this isn't hard for me as I am the one who broke up with him. Little does he know how much it actually does, granted I have had many months to basically get over it, because for me the relationship was done a long time ago, it just took me this long to realize it.
In the short amount of time that I have been single, I have been discovering many things about my self. Making some wonderful new friends and even met a man that could be exactly what I need a man to be. I've spent more time with my friends and done things I have been meaning to for a long time now, even done some unexpected things. I am really truly experiencing life for the first time in my almost 31 years of living. At this point I am happier than I have ever been, and I hope that he can turn what has happened into a positive thing for himself as well. I wish him nothing but the best, I wish him happiness and love and that he finds the one person who truly is worthy of someone like him.
For those who actually do read what I have posted please pray for him in this time of hardship. It may not seem like it but I do still care very deeply for him. How could I not? Just keep him in your thoughts and prayers. Do not worry about me as he deserves them more than I.
Go in Love and Light
And may the Divine
Always shine upon you
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