Ok so first off I just want to say that I am not sure if this is coming from the fact that I have been drinking tonight or if my medication isn't working well or any other thing but this is currently how I feel.
Tonight I feel so confused, I am dating a great guy and I really do like him, not sure yet if I love him or not as it hasn't been long enough to tell, but tonight I was out with some friends and then went back to another friends house for a birthday party and I was reminded of how much I like this other guy as well. He is sweet and funny and younger than I am, not sure if he is even into me at all, the attraction is not just physical but mental as well and I don't even know if he would even go for me. Thus the confusion I am in tonight, but again i am not sure if it is because of the alcohol, meds not working correctly or something else entirely, but only me and the Gods know how confused I feel right now.
I don't know what to do. There are so many thoughts and emotions running through my head and my heart right now that I can't tell what is real and what is just wishful thinking. I know and the great guy I am dating knows that I am not built for monogamy, but is it really possible to feel love for two people, feel it the exact same way, well maybe not love but at least attraction. I know there are several people who will read this and know the two people I am talking about, and honestly I am not sure of their reactions to this.
I really want the person that I am dating right now to understand some of the things I am feeling, although I am not sure if he will. I want him to know that I really do care for him very much, but I cannot say that I love him as of yet. And I really want all of my friends to understand and hope that they will not judge me as most of them will know the two people I am talking about. I am attracted to both of these men for the same reasons, I find them both to be very good looking, intelligent, wonderful men, and I believe that both of them could handle me and my moods and my sarcasm and sense of humor.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Do you Care how people see you?
Ok, so here is a rather difficult question I think. Do you care what people think about you? Does it matter if you know the person or not? Does it matter if they are family or not?
If a person walks up to you and calls you an asshole, bitch, cunt, slut, trash, faggot, anything like that, does it really matter to you? If it does matter to you, Why?
Well, my answer to this is that if I do not know you then what you think about me doesn't matter, but if you are a friend or family member then yes it does affect me, in either a positive or negative way.
Now lets change it a little, does it matter if they are a potential employer, a judge, a cop, or a doctor. Do you care then?
For me the answer is yes to all of them except the doctor, I hate doctors LOL.
I really want you to think about this question. I mean REALLY think about it.
Your reputation precedes you in many ways. For instance, in college, do you want your professor to automatically think of you as the slacker that only shows up every 3rd class and only does the minimum requirements? Or would you rather have them think of you as the professional student, the one who is always in class, the one who tries so very hard to do everything you are supposed to? Do you think that your reputation has an affect on your grades, or how that professor reacts to you?
What do you really think? I want to know.
If a person walks up to you and calls you an asshole, bitch, cunt, slut, trash, faggot, anything like that, does it really matter to you? If it does matter to you, Why?
Well, my answer to this is that if I do not know you then what you think about me doesn't matter, but if you are a friend or family member then yes it does affect me, in either a positive or negative way.
Now lets change it a little, does it matter if they are a potential employer, a judge, a cop, or a doctor. Do you care then?
For me the answer is yes to all of them except the doctor, I hate doctors LOL.
I really want you to think about this question. I mean REALLY think about it.
Your reputation precedes you in many ways. For instance, in college, do you want your professor to automatically think of you as the slacker that only shows up every 3rd class and only does the minimum requirements? Or would you rather have them think of you as the professional student, the one who is always in class, the one who tries so very hard to do everything you are supposed to? Do you think that your reputation has an affect on your grades, or how that professor reacts to you?
What do you really think? I want to know.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Great Reads
So I have finished the Hunger Games trilogy, and oh my Gods it was amazing. The first book Hunger Games pulls you in really quickly and it keeps you wanting to read more and more. The second book, Catching Fire is a little bit of a slow starter but once it starts you can't put it down. By the third book, Mockingjay, you are so involved with the characters and the story that you just won't want to put it down.
The characters are absolutely real and amazing. The author paints a very real and graphic picture of the world and characters. You see their flaws and their strengths, you feel everything they feel. By the end of the series there are certain characters that you just hate and ones that you love and at times they may switch.
I would suggest these books to anyone who likes a great story and a realistic world and characters. I must say thank you to Will and Julia Prater for turning me onto these books.
The characters are absolutely real and amazing. The author paints a very real and graphic picture of the world and characters. You see their flaws and their strengths, you feel everything they feel. By the end of the series there are certain characters that you just hate and ones that you love and at times they may switch.
I would suggest these books to anyone who likes a great story and a realistic world and characters. I must say thank you to Will and Julia Prater for turning me onto these books.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Thoughts Running Through My Head: Episode 2
Just really one thought running through my head today as I sit at McDonalds eating. As I was getting ready to order my food, 2 Air force officers walk in behind me. They are talking and laughing a little bit. I suddenly have the urge to turn around and thank them for their service to this wonderful country. Now this isn't the first time this has happened, in fact it has happened on many occasions. Now I am not for the war that is going on right now, in fact I am totally against it, but how can we as a country not support those that are over there risking their lives. How can we not thank them for what it is that they do.
My younger brother Josh, is currently over in Afghanistan right now in the Army training to be a medic. Now it not just because of this that I have found this respect for the armed services. I have always had respect for them as my Grandpa on my dad's side was in WWII and Vietnam I believe, and my mothers Step-dad was also in the armed forces. I have just gained a greater respect for them because of my brother. He chose to go over there to defend his family and his friends and the country.
How can anyone bitch about that, or show any disrespect to anyone who chose, they were not forced to join, they chose to join the armed forces. That would be like someone bitching about, or showing disrespect to anyone that chose to become a police officer. It is not any different, police officers protect their city, county or state; while the armed forces protect their country. How is that any different.
I guess what I am saying here is that just because you may disagree with the war, please do not disrespect those people that have died fighting and are still fighting to keep this country safe. They have nothing but love for you, their families and this country. Those are traits that should be respected and admired.
My younger brother Josh, is currently over in Afghanistan right now in the Army training to be a medic. Now it not just because of this that I have found this respect for the armed services. I have always had respect for them as my Grandpa on my dad's side was in WWII and Vietnam I believe, and my mothers Step-dad was also in the armed forces. I have just gained a greater respect for them because of my brother. He chose to go over there to defend his family and his friends and the country.
How can anyone bitch about that, or show any disrespect to anyone who chose, they were not forced to join, they chose to join the armed forces. That would be like someone bitching about, or showing disrespect to anyone that chose to become a police officer. It is not any different, police officers protect their city, county or state; while the armed forces protect their country. How is that any different.
I guess what I am saying here is that just because you may disagree with the war, please do not disrespect those people that have died fighting and are still fighting to keep this country safe. They have nothing but love for you, their families and this country. Those are traits that should be respected and admired.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Family, Those who you can always count on
So todays blog is obviously all about family. Family for me are the people that I am related to by blood but also those that I choose to call family. Now here is the kicker, not all of those I am related to do I consider family, nor are all of my friends considered as such. For me, family consists of those that are either blood related or I choose to call family, that I know no matter what are going to be there for me and always have been.
For instance, I am currently having some financial issues that I need some help with. I talked to my brother this morning and asked him if he could lend me some money. He was the only one I asked and the only one I would ask for a couple of reasons. First, I know that he would give me the shirt off his back if I didn't have one, and second I know that he is the only one who has the ability right now to lend me money. I'm not saying that there aren't others out there who would help me, but there are usually stipulations and judgement involved. With my brother there isn't any of that. That is true family.
Another example of family is those really close friends that you can always call on when you need some advice or just a shoulder to cry on and they don't judge you for it, they sometimes give you advice but also know when the time is right to do so. They understand that sometimes you don't want or need advice at the time you just need someone to listen and give you a shoulder to cry on.
Family also knows that sometimes things slip your mind and instead of getting mad at you for not calling and keeping in touch, they instead call you and see how you are doing. Or just call you to say hi and hear your voice. They are the ones that no matter how much you smile and fake happy, no matter how good you are at it, always knows when something is wrong and won't give up until you tell them. They always seem to just know, no matter how quiet you have been about things going on in your life, they just know. Family also has no problem telling you when you are being an ass, or overreacting, or just fucking up and they have no qualms about telling you, no matter how angry or pissed off you may get because they know that you will realize what they are saying is true and you will apologize for treating them badly when they were trying to help you.
So you see, family doesn't have to be only blood related, family is and always should be the combination of those in your life that you can trust and go to for support when you need it and advice, or just a shoulder to cry on. That is what true family is.
So in closing I just want to say thank you to all of you that are my family, you know who are. And if you have to think about whether or not I consider you family, then more than likely I don't. The Gods bring many people into your life and they always bring the good with the bad, but remember they always bring family into your life to help you combat the bad.
Love and Light
Brightest Blessings to all of you
For instance, I am currently having some financial issues that I need some help with. I talked to my brother this morning and asked him if he could lend me some money. He was the only one I asked and the only one I would ask for a couple of reasons. First, I know that he would give me the shirt off his back if I didn't have one, and second I know that he is the only one who has the ability right now to lend me money. I'm not saying that there aren't others out there who would help me, but there are usually stipulations and judgement involved. With my brother there isn't any of that. That is true family.
Another example of family is those really close friends that you can always call on when you need some advice or just a shoulder to cry on and they don't judge you for it, they sometimes give you advice but also know when the time is right to do so. They understand that sometimes you don't want or need advice at the time you just need someone to listen and give you a shoulder to cry on.
Family also knows that sometimes things slip your mind and instead of getting mad at you for not calling and keeping in touch, they instead call you and see how you are doing. Or just call you to say hi and hear your voice. They are the ones that no matter how much you smile and fake happy, no matter how good you are at it, always knows when something is wrong and won't give up until you tell them. They always seem to just know, no matter how quiet you have been about things going on in your life, they just know. Family also has no problem telling you when you are being an ass, or overreacting, or just fucking up and they have no qualms about telling you, no matter how angry or pissed off you may get because they know that you will realize what they are saying is true and you will apologize for treating them badly when they were trying to help you.
So you see, family doesn't have to be only blood related, family is and always should be the combination of those in your life that you can trust and go to for support when you need it and advice, or just a shoulder to cry on. That is what true family is.
So in closing I just want to say thank you to all of you that are my family, you know who are. And if you have to think about whether or not I consider you family, then more than likely I don't. The Gods bring many people into your life and they always bring the good with the bad, but remember they always bring family into your life to help you combat the bad.
Love and Light
Brightest Blessings to all of you
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Thoughts Running Through My Head
Hmmm not really sure what I want to write about today, so I think this post is just going to be thoughts running through my head.
I went and saw my therapist on Monday, as I do every other week, and I was doing fine when I went in. I was happy, or so I thought. Was just telling him about the things that have happened over the last 2 weeks and suddenly, I think of my exes cat Nixon. I realized that I truly missed him. I miss him in the morning laying right next to my legs. I miss when I would come home and sit down and he would jump up on the couch by me just to tell me hi. Then I realized that my cat, Avalon, missed him as well. She has been searching the house and throwing a fit since my ex left. And the more I think of these things, the more upset I become, next thing I know, I am balling my eyes out in front of my therapist. I hadn't realized how much I missed him. It just makes it worse that I know that Avalon misses him. The train of thought basically goes like this, Avalon misses him, it makes me sad, that makes me think of how much I miss Nixon, which makes me think of how much Nixon must miss Avalon, which in turn makes me think about how Nixon is handling that, which goes into oh Gods I hope nothing happens to him because if it does my ex would be crushed. And that string of thoughts just keeps running through my head making me bawl.
The same day I go home after my session and I realize how empty and quiet the house is. Then I realize that I really need to get a roommate and fast because I can't afford the rent and everything by myself. Then I see everything that needs to be done in order to fix it up to the point that someone would be willing to move in. Then I realize that the only thing I can really do to fix up the place is paint and the landlord will have to fix everything else. So I get a hold of the landlord only to discover that my ex and I still owe him back rent, and the back rent is over $4000. I start to freak cause I have no idea how in the hell that is going to get paid, and if I can't get that paid then the landlord can't fix the things that need fixing. So I am in a catch 22, basically I am screwed.
I am trying so hard to be positive right now, and I am doing it, but it is a struggle and it is exhausting because I constantly have to fight off the negative emotions and thoughts that perpetually try to invade my thoughts.
This has been episode 1 of Thoughts Running Through My Head. Tune in again for another episode sometime.
I went and saw my therapist on Monday, as I do every other week, and I was doing fine when I went in. I was happy, or so I thought. Was just telling him about the things that have happened over the last 2 weeks and suddenly, I think of my exes cat Nixon. I realized that I truly missed him. I miss him in the morning laying right next to my legs. I miss when I would come home and sit down and he would jump up on the couch by me just to tell me hi. Then I realized that my cat, Avalon, missed him as well. She has been searching the house and throwing a fit since my ex left. And the more I think of these things, the more upset I become, next thing I know, I am balling my eyes out in front of my therapist. I hadn't realized how much I missed him. It just makes it worse that I know that Avalon misses him. The train of thought basically goes like this, Avalon misses him, it makes me sad, that makes me think of how much I miss Nixon, which makes me think of how much Nixon must miss Avalon, which in turn makes me think about how Nixon is handling that, which goes into oh Gods I hope nothing happens to him because if it does my ex would be crushed. And that string of thoughts just keeps running through my head making me bawl.
The same day I go home after my session and I realize how empty and quiet the house is. Then I realize that I really need to get a roommate and fast because I can't afford the rent and everything by myself. Then I see everything that needs to be done in order to fix it up to the point that someone would be willing to move in. Then I realize that the only thing I can really do to fix up the place is paint and the landlord will have to fix everything else. So I get a hold of the landlord only to discover that my ex and I still owe him back rent, and the back rent is over $4000. I start to freak cause I have no idea how in the hell that is going to get paid, and if I can't get that paid then the landlord can't fix the things that need fixing. So I am in a catch 22, basically I am screwed.
I am trying so hard to be positive right now, and I am doing it, but it is a struggle and it is exhausting because I constantly have to fight off the negative emotions and thoughts that perpetually try to invade my thoughts.
This has been episode 1 of Thoughts Running Through My Head. Tune in again for another episode sometime.
Friday, March 2, 2012
In the Aftermath
Well, Scott the rest of his stuff out yesterday. The house feels empty. I think Avalon may be having a nervous break down because she can't find Nixon. Myself, well again the house feels very empty and I am feeling a little lonely right now. Doing my best to see the positive side of things. I know I will need some time to heal, even though it was my decision, and some time to really start on the new me. It still hurts and makes me sad. Nine years we were together. That is a very long time to be with the same person and then not have them there anymore.
I saw him packing up his things for over a week, and every time I saw it, I would get sick to my stomach. Knowing that he was angry and upset and trying not to show it, I did my best to not show how I was feeling as well. I am still feeling it right now. I am terrified beyond measure, excited beyond belief, more sad than I have ever been, yet the happiest I have been in a very long time. So many opposing emotions, I don't know if I should cry, jump for joy, curl into a ball and fight the change, or just accept it for what it is.
In the aftermath of all of this, where am I? The honest answer, I don't know. Somewhere in between limbo and outer space. Lost on my new path, but I know where I am. Is this confusing you, because it is confusing the hell out of me. I've met some great new people on the path to this new me. And I don't think I could continue on this path without them and the great friends I do have.
I have yet to cry over the loss of this relationship and I am not sure if I ever will. People tell me that I really should cry and that I need to cry, but why. I had a long time to make my choice and I made it, I think I said goodbye to that relationship many months ago. I am a highly emotional person who makes all decisions based on emotion. I am trying to not be so emotional and depend a little more on logic and letting it rule my emotions not the other way around. I am not letting myself cry to be honest, I am afraid that if I start crying I may not stop. I am afraid that if I start crying I may spiral down into depression even with the help of my medications. I have to show myself that I a strong person, that I can make it on my own. That I am a strong person, that I do have a value all my own. I just need to show myself that I can do what I set my mind to.
I saw him packing up his things for over a week, and every time I saw it, I would get sick to my stomach. Knowing that he was angry and upset and trying not to show it, I did my best to not show how I was feeling as well. I am still feeling it right now. I am terrified beyond measure, excited beyond belief, more sad than I have ever been, yet the happiest I have been in a very long time. So many opposing emotions, I don't know if I should cry, jump for joy, curl into a ball and fight the change, or just accept it for what it is.
In the aftermath of all of this, where am I? The honest answer, I don't know. Somewhere in between limbo and outer space. Lost on my new path, but I know where I am. Is this confusing you, because it is confusing the hell out of me. I've met some great new people on the path to this new me. And I don't think I could continue on this path without them and the great friends I do have.
I have yet to cry over the loss of this relationship and I am not sure if I ever will. People tell me that I really should cry and that I need to cry, but why. I had a long time to make my choice and I made it, I think I said goodbye to that relationship many months ago. I am a highly emotional person who makes all decisions based on emotion. I am trying to not be so emotional and depend a little more on logic and letting it rule my emotions not the other way around. I am not letting myself cry to be honest, I am afraid that if I start crying I may not stop. I am afraid that if I start crying I may spiral down into depression even with the help of my medications. I have to show myself that I a strong person, that I can make it on my own. That I am a strong person, that I do have a value all my own. I just need to show myself that I can do what I set my mind to.
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